


fuck it's 10 and i'm crying again

by whitemackerel



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Angst, Dan-centric, Depression, Gen, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 08:02:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4296951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitemackerel/pseuds/whitemackerel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>In attempting to stop suicide people always seemed to warn that death was permanent. He'd heard it so many times before, that things would get better, what he felt now was just for now, death was forever. But right now, Dan was happy with permanent.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	fuck it's 10 and i'm crying again

**Author's Note:**

> in case you ignored the tags, trigger warnings for suicide, suicidal thoughts, depression and descriptions of thinking obsessively (ocd)

Dan’s hands ghosted lightly over his phone as he unlocked it and tried to focus on the message from Arin that flashed across the screen. It was something about the Zelda playthrough they’d done today, something about how great lunch had been and something along the lines of goodnight, see you for another grump session tomorrow. He smiled lightly but couldn’t find the words to reply. He didn’t know how to put it into words, he didn’t know how to make it sound okay. Dan’s eyes prickled with tears and he cursed quietly, trying to force himself into composure. But how could he tell his best friend?

 _Yeah_ , he typed slowly, glad that Arin couldn’t hear his loud, shaky breathing, _it was great today, can’t fucking wait to get back to it tomorrow._ Dan paused, one hand pushing his hair off his forehead, a sob building up inside his throat. _You’re a great friend by the way and you make me laugh heaps. I feel amazing and special whenever we hang out and just don’t forget that you’re really cool and you’ve never done anything to hurt me. Might see you tomorrow haha anyway sweet dreams._ He sent the message and shut his eyes, his head leaning back against the tiled bathroom wall. He hoped he’d sounded normal enough. He hoped Arin was asleep already and wouldn’t see until tomorrow. He hoped Arin would be okay.

The minutes passed by slowly. Minutes Dan couldn’t feel, minutes Dan didn’t recognise, minutes that floated past him like specks of dust. But they were minutes where Arin didn’t answer and so he began. Dan stepped over his phone, his entire body feeling like lead and dispersed gas all at once, crossing the room like a reanimated corpse. Steady hands yanked the door of the medicine cupboard open. They looked like Dan’s hands but they didn’t feel like them. He couldn’t feel himself using them, he couldn’t recognise them as a part of him. They were like the hands of an alternate Daniel Avidan. A better Daniel Avidan who thought clearly and rationally and didn’t ruin people’s lives. A Daniel Avidan who was happy and vibrant and a joy to be around. The hand closed around a small white pill bottle, its label bleached by the sun and starting to fade with age. This Daniel Avidan with motivation and energy and usefulness in the world was going to say goodbye to the Daniel that was disconnected and stuck. He faltered for a second, doubt running rings around his tired, cluttered head. In attempting to stop suicide people always seemed to warn that death was permanent. He'd heard it so many times before, that things would get better, what he felt now was just for now, death was forever. But right now, Dan was happy with permanent. Permanent meant he couldn't slip back into the depression he'd been free of for years. Permanent meant he wouldn't have to think in never ending circles of panic and possibility. Permanent meant he wouldn't even have to explain to Arin, Ross or anyone that he'd failed again, he was back in a bad spot he couldn't escape, he had chosen to take his own life.

The sleeping pills were smooth and bright and had always filled Dan with both uncertainty and comfort when he saw them. He'd had these prescribed to him back when his OCD was so bad that he couldn't rest, he wouldn't sleep. Arin had called him scruffy today and they'd both just laughed it off but it was probably true. Dan had been losing sleep again. He would think about what could be, what might be, what was, what would be. He'd think about things that all seemed to be strung together in a horrific web that squeezed his lungs and messed up his brain. Everything was also something else and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop it or slow it and the thoughts would keep coming. Dan's sob echoed through the cold, monochrome bathroom as he spilled the pills everywhere. White ovals clattered noisily to the floor as he swallowed what had landed in his weak, open hand. Time seemed to slow as he gulped down mouthfuls of tap water and tried to purge his head of the assumptions, memories and obsessions that plagued it. "Fuck, fuck," he mumbled through his tears. He didn't even know who or what he was cursing but he continued, getting louder and louder as he slid back down to the bathroom floor.

Dan opened his eyes wearily and groaned quietly at the exhaustion that weighed him down. He didn't know if it had been seconds, minutes or hours since his last bout of consciousness. He could hardly remember his own name and age as he drifted between sleeping and waking, hoping it'd all be irrelevant soon anyway. His phone flashed on the floor beside him and he reached for it groggily. A fog crept through his thoughts and vision as he squinted at the text on the screen. _Yeah haha thanks you're pretty fucking awesome too. Don't take this the wrong way but are you okay? You've been a bit off lately and I just want to make sure you're not complimenting me for the wrong reasons haha._ "Arin." He whispered fondly, scrolling to the next two texts as he lay weakly on the floor. _I thought tomorrow we could do some Trauma Centre: Second Opinion because we kind of forgot about that. Fucking OOPS. Or you could just blow me. Fanservice, you know._

Dan's sigh faltered, a painful lump of sadness and fear stuck in his throat. His phone slipped from his hands and slid on the smooth floor as he was overwhelmed with the need to sleep, to let go, to rest in peace.

_Alright I'm off to Sleepytime Junction now. Just text me in the morning so I know everything's cool. :)_

**Author's Note:**

> http://lieutenantkitten.tumblr.com/


End file.
